Fishing Day 2 (part 3)

I could feel the canoe tip slightly forward. We were headed down the rapids that lead to Dead man's curve. The water was a little rough and a little came into the canoe. Then, a little more then blooomp thud. We were sitting on a rock in around 3 feet of fast flowing water. It was surreal. We weren't moving but evey one else was moving around us. The prophecy from the hippie Gandalf and come true.



Logically, we decided to get out of the boat and pick which item we wanted to float with. I chose the thing I wanted to keep that might not float past the upcoming rapids. My fishing pole. Everyone who has been to there before knows that you just let your stuff float down and there are people that stand at the bottom of the rapids and catch all of your stuff. You get most of it back minus any money or valuables that will fit in a pocket. So I get out, then Dan then Mike. The canoe began to shift forward into deeper, more rapid water. Dan grabbed the cooler, and Mike was reaching for his new 118 thousand drawer tackle box when the current pushed the canoe up against him pinning him to a rock and eventually breaking his leg. As he was pushing the canoe off of him my stringer wrapped around him and he broke it loose from the canoe so it wouldn't wrap around him and potentially gut him as the canoe acted as a water parachute.


Meanwhile we are all hanging on to something trying to not get swept away. The smart thing to do would have been to bring life vests except this was a FISHING trip not a canoe trip and last time I checked, life vests weren't on my fishing checklist. (although they may be next time.) Inevitably the only thing to do was let go and float over the rapids so we did. I decided to try to go down feet first. I dunno if it was the smartest thing to do but it's what I had decided. By this time, Dan and Mike were not even in the picture in my mind I was hoping they made it down ok. I was afraid as Dead Man's curve was only 20 feet away.

Another Hump Day

My list for this week.

1. Tuna salad. Cold tuna salad. MMmmm. I gotta get some. It' s almost lunch.

2. The officer that ticketed me for no seatbelt. Don't you have better things to do? What damage am I doing by not wearing my seatbelt? NONE. Catch a speeder or something.

3. The guy on craigslist that traded me his super awesome Matco toolbox. And thank you for the tools too sir. I have been cleaning and sorting and trying to put together a complete set of sockets for a week now.

4. Steve and William. Without them... you would not be HERE right now.

5. Last but not least. Ozone Pee. you heard it right. Thank you computerized translator for foiling this guys plans to try to scam me via craigslist. I didn't even list a computer. Here is the e-mail:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: ozone pee <ozopee6@gmail.com>
Date: Aug 19, 2009 6:37 AM
Subject: Is This Computer of You Post on Craigslist Still For Sell ??

-- Hi seller, is this item of you post on craigslist still for sell ?

------------------------------------------

G'day ladies and gents.

.

Hump Day

5 things to hump on this hump day.

1. Michelle Obama for keeping it real. Who says you have to look nice just because you are married to the president.

2. Paul. The soldier from Crystal's blog that put a LOT of time, effort, and himself into supporting the Paying it forward 2008 campaign. Thank you so much!

3. Michael Jackson's spot. It doesn't matter if it's black or white. That's just gross.

4. My boss for letting me take the day off today so I can take care of Crystal while she is recovering from jaw surgery.

5. All of you out there reading this from your work station. I love ya! Thanks for using your valuable time away from the grindstone to check out my blog. It means a lot to me. Just to prove it, I found THIS JEWEL so you can smile and have something to talk to your co-workers about.

The 8th and 9th wonders of the world.

These may not be the wonders like you are thinking. These are things wondered, if that makes sense.

The 8th wonder: I wonder what the hell David Hasselhoff is thinking. On America's Got Talent, he tries to plug himself into everything he says. So far he has said things like HOFFtastic and HOFFeriffic but tonight he said HOFF nuts. Hoff nuts? WTF? Is he really from this planet? I wonder.

The 9th wonder: I have a friend that, at times, seems really really smart. Other times he comes out of the woodwork with some totally off the wall shit that makes you question his intent. I wonder if he is serious. This means nothing without an example. The guy isn't the smartest person when it comes to computers, yet he set up a gamers website got a monthly check and tons of perks. He fell on hard times and sold it. To me that is genius. Today he comes in my office to shoot the shit with me before he left. I just happened to check the news via Internet. There was something about burying Michael Jackson on his birthday. He told me that he thought Mike was buried then came out of nowhere with one of the strangest questions.

"Hey man. Have you ever wondered... since he bleached his skin... do you think that he bleached his unit too?"

With the most confused look I think I've ever had I replied with "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know man. I stayed high when he was dark skinned and had no clue he was a black guy until I moved to Memphis and someone told me."

"C'Mon man. Are you being serious?"

"You can't tell me that you never wondered if he has a brown spot RIGHT THERE. He couldn't have bleached that part or he wouldn't be able to have kids."

I am barely breathing because I was laughing so friggin hard. It attracted attention and another co-worker came over. "Tell Gene what you told me."

He repeated the question. He was totally friggin serious and THAT blows my mind. He is genuinely curious. Then he got defensive by saying that we were going to go home and google it. Not a chance in hell. Nobody thinks about that shit.

That is what happens when you have too much time to think. That is what happens when you have over 10,000 bucks in the bank and claim to be too broke for basic cable.

You are gonna do what with that hammer???

I can't access it from work but you HAVE to hear the "Monica Wilson 911 call." I just caught the tail end of this on the radio but even just the last part is priceless. Sounds like it came from Memphis.

I hope this link works because I am posting it blindly.

Can we all just heal?

It's OK. It's a healing process.

What a crock. You know that guy with the 2 kids has binoculars out when the wife is out of the house. Who does he think he is kidding. He feels trapped... MY ASS!

Oh you can do this too if you stop eating bad food. LOL what a riot.

If THIS is only thing you Ever look at... Please watch

I am not a fan of any political party and hate politics so don't send any shitty e-mails based on your assumptions. I vote for the lesser of the evils instead of someone I think can and will do a great job.

That being said, I have heard this guys name being brought up in politics and you can take it for what it's worth but I am taking this advice.

The coolest thing!

This is the coolest thing since color TV.



I want one of these for the neighborhood. This blows Christmas lights out of the water.

This Sucks :( I hate the IT dept.

I am blocked from virtually everything on the net here at work. Now, I am blocked from viewing my own blog. I can post obviously but can't view it. This makes me very sad in my pants.

It isn't a game. Seriously! I've seen blogs blocked for objectionable content labeled "Porn." That's what happened to Mom in Real Life. I've never seen her naked. For that matter, I've never seen anyone else on her blog naked either.

OK. Never mind. Now she is labeled "Games" too. So is Crystal. This is BULL..... SHIT. You want games. I handle most of the computer problems here because I am mildly computer savvy. Now you will be getting phone calls from people in their late 40's to late 50's who haven't got a clue on what [Crtl] [Alt] [Delete] is. You are about to triple your complaint's on the printers. Did you em effers manage to salvage them from someones dumpster? Seriously, these things are direct descendants of a hammer and chisel. I am going to call you for EVERYTHING. You want ultimate control you mother effer. YOU GOT IT. I'd bet you get off on blocking proxy sites too labeling them "Anonymizers."

Good luck. Be prepared to be on the phone. Maybe I gave you too much time to go in and block these by doing your job. Never again. Go eff yourself.

G'Day.

5 things on Hump day.

Here's a quick list of 5 things I'd like to hump on this hump day.

1. My truck for not breaking down on me. She may not be pretty but she is damn sure dependable.

2. The doctor Crystal went to yesterday. For the first time in a long time I feel like we are moving forward and we are pin pointing the origin of her pains. He was AWESOME and I feel like I got my baby back last night after the meds kicked in.

3. As a result of #2, Crystal. Bow Chicka Wah Wow.

4. Everyone who has commented on my blog. Thank you!

5. The inventors of popcorn in a microwave bag. You save me more than $5 a week. I used to spend about a buck or so a day in the snack machine. Now for a buck oh nine, I can get a box with 4 bags of popcorn at the dollar store.

Yeah. I saved myself a few bucks a week. I reckon I'd hump myself but I can't bend that way. Tragedy.

I don't mind sharing 3 things.

I've come across a few things in the last week that I had to take a pic of. I don't have a great camera phone so the quality my not be up to par.

The first puzzles me. Lets say you are blind and you have a seeing eye dog. You go to Wal-Mart but the manager says you can't have the dog on the grocery aisles. You want to file a complaint. You don't know who to call and when you finally do, you raise enough hell that Wal-Mart agrees to remedy this problem.

This is their solution. How is the next person supposed to know there is a number there? Is the dog going recognize the sign and bark it out in Morse code? It makes no sense.

Secondly, I wonder if this is an advertisement or deterrent for criminals. I have been looking at this for the last year and a half and can't hold it back anymore. If I were a thief, depending on my background, I am guessing that my thoughts would go something like this.

'They have a time delap safe. I've never heard of that before. Guess I'd better not rob them for fear of getting time delapped.'

or

Time delap? Are they serious? And it's laminated! It shouldn't be hard to create a distraction for these people and get some cash.'

or

'What's a time delap safe? The piece of paper? The window? Is it between the laminated sheets of plastic? I don't get it.'

The third thing I would like to share is a rant. We went to IHOP before we went to the zoo this weekend and when we got there the parking lot was FULL. I don't mean mostly full with a few spaces left in the back of the parking lot. I MEAN FULL as a stoner on $40 worth of Taco bell. I decided to make 2 rounds around the parking lot and if no spots freed up, I was going to have to convince the family to go somewhere else. Someone was leaving so I got in position to pull in and the way they backed out gave the car coming the opposite way more of an opportunity to take it - even though we had been waiting for this thing to pull out of a tight packed spot. This kind of stuff happens a lot here with all the ghetto folks that live around here with no respect for themselves or others.

Eat shit, you motherfuckers. I got your plate number and I ain't afraid to look you up, you low-down, dirty bastards. I had kids in the car or I would have kicked your ass in front of your ole' lady. Then maybe you could wear an index card on a piece of string that says "missing teeth" instead of the stolen tags placard in you rear window. At least the necklace would be legal.

Fishing Day 2 (part 2)

EDIT:
I just found this. I back tracked a google search that linked me. http://campingarkansas.net/boards/index.php?topic=625.0
________________________________________________

I tossed my line in the water and waited. It was hard to tell If I was getting bites or if my sinker was just hitting rocks as the current swept it downstream a bit. It was frustrated because a seasoned fisherman should be able to tell. It has been almost a year since my last fishing experience and it amazed me how much I had lost. After letting the current carry my line down a few times with no luck, I decided on a new tactic. I would throw downstream and slowly reel in. That should put the maximum tension on my line and SURELY I would be able to tell when I was getting a bite. It worked. BOOM! I was reeling is something that was putting up a hell of a fight. Sure enough it was a beautiful rainbow trout.

I pulled it up to me just below the surface and watched as it swam. AHHHhhh. It was almost like busting a nut. At least what I remember of the last time I got any. Married life doesn't mean you have access to your girlfriend because you live together and put a ring on her finger. NO! That's what I used to think when I was younger but it's much more complicated than that.

Anyhow. After reeling in about 4 fish the canoe traffic where I was standing was getting quite busy. I ended up dodging more canoes than I did fishing and decided to move down about 200 feet where the river was a bit wider. The fishing wasn't as good but the scenery was tons better. About 20 minutes after being there, this small group of about 3-4 canoes pulled up, got out and the women began to play grab ass. Everybody was wasted by the time they got to where we were in the river. It is about an 8 hour float trip and we were fishing about the 6-7 hour mark. That's a lot of drinkin'. Anyhow these classy ladies began pulling each others bikini strings and clothes began falling off. YESSSSIR! These beavers weren't building a dam. Things only got crazier from there.

Shortly after that incident the guys asked me if I was ready to head down river. "Naaa. I think I'm in a good spot." No sooner than I said spot, I got a hit and reeled in another beautiful rainbow. They got in the canoe to explore a spot on the other side of the river. Meanwhile, river rush hour hit on my side. There was canoe after canoe after raft after canoe after raft... I was standing a little over waist deep in water (which put me at about eye level with the rafters) and was trying just to not get plowed over. I WAS the live human version of the game frogger.

It looked like one of the rafts was eating oysters. I knew that didn't seem right so I asked "What IS that?"

The big breasted bikini babe replied "Jello shots! Want one?"

I was thinking. "What the hell, why not!"

I held my hand out to get one about the time they were bumped by a passing canoe and damn near plowed me over. Sometime during the process of attempting to grab the raft I guess I opened my mouth because she shoved one in there. Oh shit! I hope it was a jello shot!

It was really too busy to fish for the next little bit and by that time the guys were ready to move on down river a bit so I clipped my stringer on the back of the canoe and got in. I was nervous because I knew what was just around the bend. Dead Man's Curve! I guess the tiny bit of water in the bottom of our canoe and our wet clothes were even more of a strain on the canoe because the tips of my fingers on both sides of the canoe were underwater and the balance of the thing had us all on edge.

We made it through the calm parts fairly easily but we were coming up to the point where the water started to get rough. I was thinking about what I would grab if we flipped. Would I grab the cooler? the paddles? tackle box? NO! I would grab my pole because I could still fish as long as I had my pole. I had leaders and marshmallows in my vest.

Just before we got to the rough water we could hear people laughing. I looked up to see people pointing at US no doubt. I could have been delirious and I will have to ask Dan, but a guy that looked like hairy, bare chested version of Gandalf in daisy dukes pointed and yelled directly at us. "You are going to flip." It was in slow motion like he was a prophet delivering a message to the masses. Dan replied, "NAaaa. We'll be OK." Thank you Dan. I put faith what Dan says because he's never lead me down the wrong path. Besides I couldn't see straight ahead. Remember I am sitting on the bottom of the canoe and we were so low in the water that if I were to lean my head to look around him, it could have easily thrown what little balance we had all out of whack. I could feel the canoe tilting a hair forward as we began to descend down the rapid...

[The best part is yet to come.]

It just wont be the same without Paula Abdul.

It made the front page of CNN. Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. This upsets me for one reason and one reason only. It's not because I thought she was a critical part of the panel and it wasn't because she offered good advice. She was positive. I'll give her that.

The reason I will miss her... she had the balls to get wasted and show up on the most watched television show EVER. I will miss her glazed eyes along with the dribble of drool hanging out in the corner of her mouth. I will miss her uncoordinated clapping as she tries to stand up without tipping over. I often wondered if that's why they made her sit between Randy and Simon. Paula was the pinball between Randy and Simon bumpers. She wasn't inebriated the entire time, which was a shame. After the hilarious auditions, she was the only reason to watch the show. I could care less who can really sing. I was just waiting to see Paula fall on her ass.

I blew my mind the first time I saw her attempt to dance (while messed up) on the show. People pay her a shit ton of money to teach them to dance. She claimed to be sober the whole time. I call bullshit. I see a book coming about her time with the show. I just hope whoever writes it gets the truth about her being smashed. I want some of what that bitch was on. She was glaze eyed head spinning HAPPYYYyyyyyy. WEEEeeeee.

Paula, PLEASE get a reality show like the Osbournes did and I will forever be in your debt.

Kinda the same.

Jimmy kimmel caught footage after the 7 year old was caught.

Still hard to believe. A 7 year old boy???

I dunno what I would do if he were my kid but, it would probably be something like this...

Fishing Day 2 (part 1)

I woke up to a good morning... literally. Dan and Mike passed each other in the hall just outside where I was sleeping.

"G' Mornin!"

"Mornin"

I was planning on sleeping just a little later because at home, that is not an option. My alarm clock says "Daa daa. I have a go poddy!" or "Daa daa. V skick her kung out at me!" Geez. Can I not just get a little sleep. Oh well. Guess it was time to get my ass up. I have been trying to get away and go fishing for weeks now and this is my big chance.

I had spent most of the previous days getting my fishing gear ready so I knew it shouldn't take me long. We stocked up on weekend food like cereal, bacon, chips, bologna, hot dogs etc. Breakfast was simple. A bowl of frosted mini wheats. We packed the gear in Mike's CRV and the canoe in the truck we borrowed from Dan's in-laws and headed to the river. There was a little debate about the canoe. Should we put in upstream and float down a bit, or should we just get out in the river and start fishing?

The decision was to float and fish. As soon as we got in the water to fish, it started raining. We were already beginning a gender change with the super cold spring water. You know those dinosaur sponge things that are crammed into a capsule and expanded water after the capsule dissolves? Yeah! Reverse that and it will come close to how I felt once I got waist deep. It felt like I was straddling on a ball-sack compactor machine trying to cram my nurtz up to my throat. Once my eyes rolled back to the front of my head, I started fishing.

I felt like a kid fishing for the first time. I was nervous, excited, and competitive. I saw a great spot to cast into but being that it was my first time trout fishing, I guess I went about it wrong. I was casting from the side instead of downstream. This guys basically runs into river and heads just upstream from where I am casting, throws his line out and catches a fish. WHAT! I'd been fishing in that spot for 5-10 minutes without a bite and... BOOM! Another fish! Are you friggin kidding me? What is he doing that I'm not? After about 10 minutes of watching this goofy looking bastard reel in fish after fish, I decided to try and sneak up on him. I began to creep around him and was going to try to get in a little on the other side and a little upstream from him but by the time I made my way the long way around, I guess the guys were ready to move to the next spot.
At this point, we had not put the canoe in the water yet because we were eager to get our line wet. We go back to the bank and started to pile in. The water was only about a foot or so deep and immediately the canoe was sitting on the gravel unswayed by the current of the river... Yep. we were in for a ride. I was thinking Hey, we could tie a rope to the rear anchor point and you guys could just tow my fat ass behind the canoe. Of course I didn't tell them that. I didn't really see any other option than to get in. I figured we would probably overturn at Dead Man's Curve. (A.K.A. Saddler falls) Dead Man's Curve earns it's name every so often. Last time was in October '08. That was about 9-10 months prior. We moved on a little further where the water was a bit deeper and got in. Dan on the front seat, Mike on the back seat, and me in the middle at the bottom with the 100# cooler between. We were trying to get the center of gravity as low as possible so we could be as stable as possible given the conditions.

Dan was the last one in and after a really shaky start, we were making our way down river like a barge on the Mississippi. I grabbed the sides of the canoe and I could feel my fingers going below the water level which meant we were only riding (measuring my hands) about 5-6 inches above water. I felt like a kids learning to ride a bike, making small adjustments to the balance. My goal was to keep my hands equally out of the water because perfectly balanced, my fingertips were about an inch from the surface on both sides.

Spring river isn't just a place to fish. As a matter of fact, I have been down this river 10-15 times and never even thought of fishing. It is mostly a tourist spot for canoeing. Every time I go there is always at least one house with a PA system setup playing music and bartering for the bikini babes to flash them. Naturally I expected the same on this trip. Sure enough, less than a mile from where we put in, there was such a house. I actually looked like a frat house with 20 something college guys (coined Spring River Sausage Fest '09) were begging to see some skin. You guessed it. We didn't paddle as fast as we could through that part of the river. Ha. Nobody was falling for the guy with hair longer than Jesus begging for booze and boobs. Everyone was moving right along. We were too. Just at a slower pace. And, not because we weren't trying. We were hauling a load.

Shortly past the house there was a turn in the river that we agreed would be a great place to fish. About 3.5 minutes into fishing a homeless looking guy popped up out of nowhere asking if we wad dope or booze. I mean WTF. Out of everything in the boat, I wanted to give him a shirt instead. The guy was as big as me and 8x as hairy. After Dan asked him politely to quit begging, he went over to the shallow rapids and began to hump the rocks kind of like a woman would hump the jets on a whirlpool tub. (act like you don't know what I am talking about) He laid on the rock with his sorts about halfway down his crack. Well I say halfway, I don't really know how long his crack was but I had seen enough already.

We fished for about 20-30 minutes without a bite until Dan came running out of the bushes with a fish. "Dammit!" I am in the wrong spot. At this particular part of the river there was a small island where we parked the canoe. There were a few trees, bushes, and some of the tallest grass I had ever seen. I guess the fish liked the other side better. Little did I know, I would like the other side better. As I was walking over to where Mike and Dan were, a kid pulled a nice trout out. I knew there were fish there and I was determined to grab 'em.